everything i wanted by Billie Eilish // 5 Year Anniversary Song Review & Urban Outfitters exclusive 12" vinyl
"I had a dream, I got everything I wanted"
Billie Eilish released "everything i wanted" in November 2019 as a standalone single at the tail end of her massive breakout year. Her debut album, WHEN WE ALL FALL ASLEEP WHERE DO WE GO? was released about eight months earlier to massive success and critical acclaim. This was the first song she released following that, at a time where everything in her life was changing very quickly. The song at its core is about the deep love she and her brother Finneas share, how he has always been there for her and she has always been there for him. This song is deeply honest, complex and reflective in every regard. Their relationship has always been at the heart of everything they make and their ability to be so open with each other is what makes them as a collaborative duo so special to witness. It ultimately serves as such a stunning tribute to him, a reminder that no matter where life takes them, they will always have each other.
Alongside the release of "everything i wanted", Billie wrote in her newsletter; "This song is one my brother and I wrote about each other. No matter what happens, we always have been and will be there to make it better. Every part of this song has a very specific meaning, which maybe one day I'll go into. For now though, I want you to find what it means for you."
Billie eventually did go in depth about the meaning of the song, which was originally titled "Nightmare". The actual nightmare that inspired it was one she had at a very difficult time in her life when she was severely struggling with her mental health. In an interview with Annie Mac, Billie told the story of that nightmare she experienced in 2018, "Pretty much that whole song is about me and Finneas' relationship as siblings. We started writing it because I literally had a dream that I killed myself and nobody cared and all of my best friends and people that I worked with basically came out in public and said, like, 'Oh, we never liked her.' In the dream, the fans didn't care. The internet shit on me for killing myself, all this stuff, and it really did mess me up." She and Finneas started writing this song around that time in 2018, but given the severity of the situation of which they were talking about, they ended up scrapping the song for the time being and returned to it once Billie was in a far better space mentally.
They ultimately ended up shifting the meaning of the song to instead focus more on mutual support and love rather than this intense feeling of hopelessness that initially inspired it. "Having Finneas listen and also know me in a way that I don’t know me, has really been important for our creative process," she told in an episode of Song Exploder.
Even though this song didn't make it onto her debut album that was released earlier that year, much of it also does play into the same often dark and nightmarish themes of WHEN WE ALL FALL ASLEEP. It also sounds like part of this song goes into all of the ways her life changed in the aftermath of her debut album's success. "If I knew it all then, would I do it again?" is a really interesting question that she poses for herself at the end of the song, which can be interpreted in many different ways. Her life totally changed forever after that album was released and this song feels like a response to how she was dealing with her growing fame at the time and the intense scrutiny she has faced in the public eye as a teenager. "I tried to scream, but my head was underwater, they called me weak, like I'm not just somebody's daughter", she sings in the second verse. It is a very emotional song and listening to it in that context is very chilling. The production very much matches that complexity too. As she details the deep depression and dissociating that she was experiencing, you can hear the heaviness in her voice as she sings the words, "And it feels like yesterday was a year ago, but I don't wanna let anybody know 'cause everybody wants something from me now and I don't wanna let 'em down".
This song is written almost as if it is a conversation between her and Finneas as he tells her that no matter what happens they will always have each other. The chorus is made up of the exact sentiment Finneas assured her of at the time, "As long as I'm here, no one can hurt you, don't wanna lie here, but you can learn to, if I could change the way that you see yourself, you wouldn't wonder why you hear 'they don't deserve you'". It shifts the narrative from being told only in the first person, to then introducing this other voice into the chorus that recontextualizes the entire song. Finneas sings background vocals for the chorus as well, which brings the entire narrative together in such a stunning way.
For "everything i wanted" to have been inspired by such a difficult and dark time in her life, it is also one of the most beautiful songs they have ever written together and a true anthem of hope and the people that are there with you through it all. She finds the light at the end of the tunnel she was in by the end of the song, which is such a powerful note for it to end on. "I think more than anything, it made the song more interesting to me to go there, to start in a place of like this hopelessness and to arrive at this sort of destination of like companionship and love," Finneas said in an episode of Song Exploder. "Because that is the truth of my life and of Billie's life is just that we are both there for each other and our parents are both there for us, and we're just really lucky in that sense."
To me, this song is one that has completely transcended the original meaning of which it was written and has become a symbol for what Billie's music has come to mean for a lot of people, including myself, and the community that surrounds that art. I had the most amazing experience seeing her live a few weeks ago on her HIT ME HARD AND SOFT tour and the part of the set she performs "everything i wanted" was such a special moment. She walked through the audience and right up to the barricade of the crowd surrounding the stage as she sang it, it was such a beautiful representation of what I think this song has grown to mean for those who have found a connection within her music.
"everything i wanted" also went on to become her second top ten hit of her career. She also won Record of the Year at the 2021 Grammy Awards for this song too, making her only one of only three artists to ever win the award two years in a row and the youngest artist ever to do so as well. She has since been nominated for that award five times (and counting) at just 22 years old.
Billie and Finneas' continued creative partnership has been so beautiful to see evolve, especially over the past five years. This song paints such a beautiful portrait of that bond they share and their journey thus far. Finneas recently released a stunning song on his sophomore solo album For Cryin' Out Loud! titled "Family Feud", which in many ways feels so connected to the themes of "everything i wanted". "And you're only twenty-two and there's nothin' I can do," he sings in the pre-chorus, "I made mistakes, you'll make 'em too, part of me is part of you, just a diffеrent shade of blue". Both of these songs just make me so emotional to listen to and "Family Feud" especially makes me think of my own brother in a way that I never heard represented in a song before. It beautifully encapsulates the way sibling dynamics change as you get older, but the unconditional love will always remain.
To celebrate the five year anniversary of this song's release, I wanted to also highlight this special vinyl pressing I have of it in my record collection. "everything i wanted" was never included on an album, so as of now this is the way this song exists on a physical format. This vinyl was sold in November 2020 exclusively at Urban Outfitters and was limited to around 8,000 copies. It is a single 12" disc, which is unique as singles are typically pressed on 7" discs. I have many other singles from Billie's discography, but if I remember correctly, this is the only one ever pressed on 12". There are currently no other vinyl variants that exist for this song either, so it is very special to be able to have this in my collection. It is also housed in a really beautiful full-color picture sleeve. Seeing the texture of the paint and all of the colors in full vibrancy for this single artwork is so beautiful to see printed in this format.
It is pressed on 12" translucent yellow vinyl with an etching of the Dodge Challenger Billie drives in the music video on the back. It was hard to photograph, but if you look closely in the light, you will be able to see the etching of the car on side B. Vinyl etching sort of looks like a frosted image on the B side of the disc, which is a cool effect that adds a unique element to any record release. This is one of the few vinyl in my collection that has an etching on one side, so it is definitely very different than anything else I own. That car is a very important motif in the music video and in her performance at the Grammy's in 2021, so it is a really special design element to be incorporated into this physical release.
If you are interested in hearing Billie and Finneas talk about this song in their own words, I highly recommend checking out their 2020 podcast episode of Song Exploder, which is linked here and above.
Billie's debut album WHEN WE ALL FALL ASLEEP, WHERE DO WE GO? also recently turned 5 years old - check out my full review here. I have written about Billie's music extensively in the past, so if you'd like to read more about her work click here or the links below. Many more are coming soon too! Check out my recent posts about the vinyl pressings for her song "What Was I Made For?" and also "party favor / hotline bling". I have many more records from Billie's discography on vinyl, so if there is any particular pressing you'd like to see me share next, let me know in the comment section below!
All photos are my own!
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